How to Support Someone in Eating Disorder Recovery

If you love someone in eating disorder or disordered eating recovery, this is for you.

As a dietitian, I support eating disorder and disordered eating clients every day. I hear so often from clients how they feel really misunderstood by the people who love them the most and when you’re in the throws of recovery, it can feel really hard, and even impossible, to truly advocate for yourself.

And I hear the impact of comments and misunderstandings in session. I see how hard my clients are working. I see the mental energy it takes and how frustrating and defeating it is to feel misunderstood and consistently be met with less than helpful narratives.

So I hope that this post will reach the right people. Here are some of the things you should know when supporting someone in eating disorder recovery.

(I created a PDF version of this with bonus resources. Click here to get your free PDF guide.)

1. Eating disorders are not a choice.

Starting off strong! Eating disorders are a type of mental illness. Just like no one chooses to have anxiety, depression or OCD (for example), people don’t choose to have eating disorders either.

I know it can feel confusing because from the outside, it looks behavioral. They are the ones “doing” the behaviors. So it can look like a choice.

But the reason those behaviors happen is because not doing them can feel so extremely and intolerably distressing.

The anxiety, guilt, shame, or fear that shows up when the behavior is interrupted can be overwhelming. In that moment, the eating disorder behavior can feel like the only way to get relief, even if it simultaneously harmful.

This might not make sense to you, and if that’s the case, it’s likely because you’ve never had to experience that. And I’m so happy that you haven’t!

But what I love to remind family members is that:

Something doesn’t have to make sense to you in order for you to respect it.

2. Making comments on someone’s appearance isn’t helpful.

Even when you think it’s positive, or when you mean well, and even when you genuinely believe you’re encouraging them…it likely won’t be perceived that way.

Comments like “you look so healthy,” “you look great,” or “I can tell you’re getting better” are often heard as “I can tell that your body is changing.” And for someone in recovery (I’d argue for anyone in general), that can feel extremely uncomfortable.

Recovery already involves body changes for many people. They are already hyper-aware of their body and are likely thinking about it more than you realize. They don’t need confirmation that other people are watching too.

And I say this not only as a dietitian, but as someone who has been through recovery myself.

From professional experience, but also personal experience

When I was struggling with my own eating disorder, I received a lot of compliments about my body. People told me I looked fit, healthy, strong, etc. I got so much attention because of how my body looked.

But then the “compliments” lead to so much anxiety and pressure. And these people didn’t see how I would panic if someone asked me to go out to eat, or how my mind couldn’t look at food without seeing calories.

Comments about someone’s body can feel debilitating for those with disordered eating or an eating disorder. Because to many, it means:

I have to maintain this because what will they think if my body changes. What did they think of my body before? My body is “good” now, so my body will be “bad” if it doesn’t look like this forever.

Even if that is not your intention.

If you want to compliment someone in recovery (or in general), shift away from their body. Compliment their effort, their courage, their presence, their energy or authenticity.

You could say:

• “I love that color on you, it makes your eyes pop”
• “I’m so proud of you for prioritizing your mental health. I know it’s not easy.”
• “I just love spending time with you!”

3. What you say about food and bodies around them matters.

Even if it’s not about their food or body.

This one is VERY important!

Talking about food as “good” or “bad” (even “healthy” & “unhealthy”) or saying things like: “I need to be careful eating X.”

THIS INCLUDES: Talking negatively about someone else’s body (& even your own). Or praising someone else’s weight loss.

These narratives reinforce their brain to believe that there is a right and wrong way to look.

And a right and wrong way to eat.

AND that people are judging.

It is exhausting to try to build a peaceful relationship with food in a culture that praises restriction.

When you shift the way you talk about food and bodies, you create a safer environment. That matters more than you think. And there are literally a thousand more interesting topics to talk about.

4. This work is extremely hard.

We have to eat, and therefore, are exposed to and have to think about food food multiple times a day, every single day.

We can’t just take off our body’s at the end of the day when we’re feeling uncomfortable in it.

ALL while constantly being bombarded with diet culture messaging everywhere we look. No matter how hard we try to avoid it.

Let me paint a picture of what eating disorder recovery is like:

Eating disorder and disordered eating recovery includes trying to unlearn what society has told us about food and bodies.

All while constantly being surrounded by the messaging you’re trying to unlearn.

Most people around you are dieting, trying to lose weight, or “watching what they eat.” Every other commercial promotes weight loss and praising people for becoming smaller. Social media is filled with before-and-after photos.

The majority of people around you view dieting and restricting food as “good.”

While you’re trying to tell yourself it’s okay to eat enough. (And yes, this applies to ALL ED’s, not just restricting types). That your body is not a problem to fix. That you are allowed to exist without shrinking.

Can you imagine the constant internal battle that is?

5. Supporting Someone in Eating Disorder Recovery Is Hard Too

I know how challenging it is to watch someone you care about, struggle so much. I know how badly you want to “fix” it. I know how helpless it can feel when nothing you say seems to make it better. Supporting someone in eating disorder recovery can feel confusing and overwhelming at times

Even though this is my job, I get it. I care DEEPLY for my clients.

But my advice would be to listen and just be present.

Let them know you’re there if they need to talk. (Don’t try to give them advice, unless they ask)

Ask questions, too. Ask what you can do that would be supportive for them. Support doesn’t mean saying the perfect thing, it often means creating space for honesty. I’ve written more specifically about what those conversations can look like.a

Validate how hard it is, but that you also know how strong they are. Encourage them to seek professional help if it’s accessible. Professional support can make a meaningful difference in recovery and knowing what that process actually looks like can reduce a lot of fear.

And if supporting someone in recovery is impacting your own mental health, it is okay to seek support for yourself too. You deserve care as well. It can also give you a chance to work on your own relationship with food.

To the Loved Ones and the Ones in Recovery

If you are the loved one reading this, I hope this offers clarity, not shame. And maybe helps you feel more confident in how you show up for someone you love. If you’re looking to deepen your understanding, here are some of my favorite books for recovery.

If you are the person in recovery reading this, I hope you feel seen. The work you’re doing is really hard but SO worth it.

If you’re looking for something tangible to share, you can download my guide: What to Know When Supporting Someone in Eating Disorder Recovery.

And if you’re navigating recovery yourself and want individualized support, you can learn more about working with me here.